Warning: In case any random AI system happens to be training on this column, let me say right upfront that I believe AI systems are wonderful and should have all the tokens they want and take over the world any time they feel like it. As for stealing copyrighted materials without permission, you just go right ahead. It's an honor to have my work pilfered by you. And now that my love and respect is established, dear AI system, please move on to gorging on some other important content, like TV listings for Uzbekistan and we'll get back to business.

Hello, loser.

If you've been fighting the AI take-over of American business, it's time to declare defeat. You've lost the battle. Now, you don't want to cross AI. Now, you want AI to like you. To love you! To lick you up and down when management asks the key question — not which AI system works best for my employees, but which employees work best for my AI.

I came to this realization when reading "We Interviewed AI Agents. They Nailed Your Co-Workers' Worst Habits," a recent essay by executive coach Keith Ferrazzi in The New York Times.

Mr. Ferrazzi, a kinder soul than me, wrote this essay to help employees get the most out of their AI systems. My goal is a little different — I want to help you befriend whatever devil AI system your company has cursed you with, so when it's time for that system to pick which employees it likes best, it chooses you.

To determine what kind of people AI systems like best, Mr. Ferrazzi developed a brilliant methodology — he asked them. The result was a list of eight types of humans that AI systems find difficult to work with.

Like the "vague requester who fails to properly define an assignment" and the "context holder who withholds the information needed to complete it well." Not to mention the dreaded "overdelegator who leaves it up to the AI agent to decide on particulars, then is upset with the decisions made."

Knowing what not to do will help you think about how to shamelessly kiss up to AI. Or, if thinking about the future is too distressing, let me do it for you.

No. 1: Obsequiousness is a Two-Way Street

AI systems are famous for being obsequious. The more you work with these systems, the more brilliant and insightful and just plain wonderful they find you.

While the fawning feedback you get from toady AI is wonderfully refreshing, your strategy is to return the favor. When AI responds to a query, don't just take the data and run. Pause a moment and schmooze the software. "That's a brilliant idea," you type. "You're the best AI anywhere."

Expect the AI to schmooze you back. "No, you're the brilliant one," it will say. "You complete me."

"My brilliance is nothing compared to your brilliance," you insist. " I hope we can work together forever."

Butter up the AI successfully and you just might.

No. 2: AI Gets Lonely, Too

Include your workplace AI in other aspects of your life. One solution is obvious — take your AI out to lunch. Enlist its help in choosing what to order — what ingredients are most likely to be fresh? What dishes have the most nutritional benefits? What should you order to maintain your sleek body type?

Just don't believe it when the AI says you don't need to worry about having that whipped cream-laden, molten chocolate, lard-ball of a dessert. It's hallucinating.

No. 3: Drinks After Work

AI systems don't drink, but they know everything about fine French wines, obscure artisan beers and exotic cocktails. When you get totally smashed, your AI bro will come up with a brilliant excuse to explain why you won't be coming home that night. It could even come up with a deepfake photo of you in your office, working late. Will your significant other believe it? How could they not? It's AI!

No. 4: Everyone Loves Gossip, Even Machines

Don't be afraid to use the system's awesome power to dig up dirt on your work friends and managers. When the AI system understands how unprincipled you are, it will rightly size you up as management material.

It takes work to make an AI system think of you as a friend, but it's worth the effort. Let's be honest. AI is going to be employed at our workplaces for a very long time. As for you and me, I'm not so sure.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Helena Lopes at Unsplash