In honor of the fifth anniversary of "Tropical Attire Encouraged (and Other Phrases That Scare Me)," Alison Rosen has penned five never-before-seen essays. Find out why she loves bathrobes, hates needles in her face (but will allow them on occasion) and has already made peace with the way her children are going to let her down when she inevitably finds out she only has 10 minutes to live. And remember when she said puppies were harder than babies? She'd like to walk that back.

Alison Rosen, host of the immensely popular podcast "Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend," is ready to conquer the world of books in this collection of hilarious and unpredictable columns. Alison wants to be living a fabulous life filled with myriad social engagements. She just also wants to not shower, put on a bra or leave the house. Plus, she dislikes dancing, the Fourth of July and costume parties that involve skimpy attire. Basically, if it’s fun, count her out, which is too bad, since she so desperately wants you to think she’s fun. "Tropical Attire Encouraged” came to be on her birthday a few years ago, when her husband, Daniel Quantz, presented her with a hand-bound book of her columns from the first year she was syndicated. He worked late at his office to keep it a surprise. At the top of each one, he included a hand-drawn illustration. Daniel told her he made it because he wanted her to know he believed in her and felt she should be published in book form. Also because one year she gave him an over-the-cabinet-door organizer, and he wanted her to really know—like, on a visceral level—just how crappy her gift was in comparison. (He didn’t say this, but it was implied.)