Will E Sanders

 If he were to die today, the obituary would read: After receiving a solid C in high-school English with no college ambitions, Will E (no period) Sanders embarked in his father's footsteps and worked at a factory in 1998. After three months of hard labor, college sounded like heaven.

Sanders then attended Bowling Green State University, where he attempted to quit smoking seven times, committed petty drunken crimes, worked at the campus newspaper covering petty drunken crimes (sometimes his own), and in his spare time managed to obtain a double degree in journalism and binge drinking in 2002.

A week later, Sanders was hired as a news reporter with a small Ohio newspaper. Since that time, he has received more than 25 Associated Press awards. In the fall of 2004, Sanders began documenting his ridiculous adventures and outrageous observations in a weekly humor column, called "The Usual Eccentric," which quickly gained an impressive fan base of his mother. Sanders, 30, then attempted to get his humor column syndicated to earn spending money for video games, "Dungeons and Dragons" books and his mortgage.

A professional 30-something slacker, Sanders resided in his childhood village of Laura, Ohio, with 600 other crazy people -- including his clannish family members, who all live within a two-block radius. They all survive. Other survivors include Sanders' five good-for-nothing cats and his best friend, Silas the "Devil Dog" Doberman pinscher.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to a charity that directly benefits Sanders. Condolences may be expressed to nobody in particular.