DEAR SUSAN: You're so right about how frustrating it is to prepare for a date. People stress out over it, and then it goes nowhere. When the investment of time, money and energy doesn't produce the results we hope for, we often consider it "wasted." But when we plant a garden, birds get some, and others never sprout. Are the seeds that don't turn into mature plants "wasted"? No, because their presence helps healthier ones survive.

The more invested we are in an effort, the worse we feel when it isn't fruitful. Far better to invest less effort by planting many seeds and not obsessing over each one. Date often, date many people, date casually, be the best person you can be, and eventually something will click. After all, risk and possible loss are essential to advancement. If the time and resources devoted to things that don't pan out are "wasted," what can be said of the hours spent doing something "guaranteed" to produce something other than what we want? — Ricky R., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR RICKY: The younger generation has the answer to all the fuss and bother about "dating," and the word is casual. In their vocabulary, hanging out replaces dating. Groups of like-minded friends — people they feel comfortable with — are the core of their socializing. These groups give them room to move around and test compatibility without committing to any one person. They have freedom and mobility within a circle of friends — before pairing off. And by the time they've narrowed their choice down to one person, it's a pretty serious relationship. Before then, though, it's low-pressure. (Far from the dating scenario their elders are stuck with!) There's plenty of conjecture as to how and why this hybrid evolved. Maybe they saw the results of our dating disasters (more than a 50 percent divorce rate) and pledged to do better. Maybe they felt the shockwaves of marital discord too violently to ever try that route. Or maybe it's simply a case of vowing to do better than their forebears. Hard to say. (Whatever the cause, the sorry state of this world has a little more to do with it than most of us will admit.) But it's undeniable that singleness is in flux — all around the world — and that marriage is the loser. Bearing witness to that quiet revolution, I can see the logic in its precursor, the dating ritual, also mutating into a new form. And it's the young bringing it to us — for better or for worse. (It gets my vote, for sure.) It's all encapsulated in the word "casual." After all, the person you can relax with and be comfortable with, who pushes the right buttons and feels good to be around — that's someone to take a chance with. Not to marry, necessarily. Not right away, anyway, but someone to pair off with to explore finding common ground. Of the more or less lasting kind. ("Forevermore" is rarely in love's Wikipedia.) Why not take a page from the young 'uns primer and go casual? Minimize the primping for your next "date." Instead, go heavy on preparation of a different kind: Read up on a subject that interests you, or see what good films/plays/tournaments are in town. And while you're doing that and exploring the different events, stay open to the people you meet. You never know who's behind the next smiling glance. A casual connection can have real potential.

THINK ABOUT IT. Interior designers are hip to the value of space. They know the impact of airy rooms, emptiness between furniture and trappings. So why don't we learn from their style and keep our relationships spacious? Parents need a timeout from their children — and the young ones need time alone, free of supervision. When children act up, they're treated to a "timeout." Works for them. Works for us, too. It just could be that the best and closest intimacy occurs when people don't cling to one another, but are wise and sophisticated enough to gift each other with aloneness — time and space for themselves. Kahlil Gibran advises, "Let there be spaces in your togetherness."

Radical but simple. Bold but conservative. Try it.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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