DEAR SUSAN: I'm 22 and have been dating the same man for more than three years. He's 30. The trouble is I'm bored with the relationship and want out but don't know how to end it. He has the desire to get married and is very comfortable with things as they are. We never go out and have fun, and right now all I want is a good time. I want to enjoy my life. Can you help? — Karen T., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR KAREN: I can explain what's going on between the two of you, why you're feeling caged in and why this 30-year-old is content to sit with his young love and go nowhere: He's insecure, immature for his age, and hesitant to show you the world outside because it will lure you into the world beyond his domination. You're under his control, and right now you're realizing you want out. Yes, I can give you my take on the situation, but only you can open the window and breathe the fresh air of being on your own. And I'm certain your parents agree. You're much too young — and inexperienced — to close the doors and set up shop as a settled married couple. My vote? Against! Listen to your instincts, dear Karen; they'll always guide you, unswerving, to the decision right for you. (And this one is a no-brainer.) The trouble with this relationship is far deeper than age or stage, down to its unhealthy dynamics. It smells of domination and control, not exactly strong underpinnings for enduring love. And you, in your early 20s, already feel its wrongness. How right you are! My advice is to leave, smoothing your way with an appreciation for all that went before. You're ready to move on, to try your wings and explore the wide world out there. Fly away, butterfly.

DEAR READERS: By now, you know a favorite of mine is a fledgling group called the Alternatives to Marriage Project. The group is energized by its executive director, Nicky Grist. Her updates are coming in thick and fast these days. More than ever, the information she gives is pertinent, timely and most definitely helpful to the unmarried majority. (To be married in America these days is to be outnumbered — and not by a squeak-by number.)

Anyway, back to the Alternatives to Marriage Project and their latest excitement. Health care is a major issue in the single world. There's a current proposal to give benefits to the domestic partners of federal employees, and the AtMP will tell Congress to include all partners, not just same-sex couples (whose marriages aren't federally recognized). Minnesota and Michigan are proposing to allow singles to stay on their parents' health insurance until age 25.

Nicky's goal is to raise $5,000 by Jan. 20, Inauguration Day. The money will be used to educate hundreds of decision-makers about the unfairness of having relationship status affect access to health care. As she writes, "This is a chance to get the attention of a new set of leaders. BECOME A CONTRIBUTING MEMBER of the only nonprofit dedicated to ending discrimination against singles and unmarried relationships." And as a thank you gift, the AtMP will send you a sweet dessert recipe.

At last, the unmarried have a voice! Making it heard isn't a piece of cake (ahem). Give what you can. Visit them on the Web at www.unmarried.org.

TURN-ONS (AND OFFS). Of all possible lures men and women have, none is more potent than humor. The ability to throw the head back and give a good guffaw, even at oneself, genuine and from the belly, is quite possibly the most attractive act of all. It says so much, speaking of lowered inhibitions, honesty, a joyous outlook and that old winner humanness. This from a student of romance and sensuality.

The biggest turnoff? Cackling. That high-pitched, sharp, acerbic expression of the appreciation of ironic wit and/or dubious humor. This is a female thing, and it's really awful. On the male side, there's plenty of room to complain about snorting like a bull (aka laughing). Then there's always the worst-worst-worst: the comb-over! Why do men not see themselves in the mirror? Pathetic.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at [email protected].