Posted by: Bob
Comment: #2
Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:11 PM
RE: the 2nd letter...
The one thing that was left out here was.... WHY are they "ex" Fiancees? Is it possible that they were childhood best friends and only got "engaged" because the families expected it, but realized they are better friends than anything else?
The reasons why they broke up, and what defines their friendship, are key elements here in determining whether the friendship is a threat to the marriage or not. Does he have OTHER female friends? How does he relate to women in general?
My 2 longest term best friends are both women, one whom I was romantically involved with for awhile. But there is a REASON our relationship did not work and my wife is not at all threatened by my friendship with either of them.
Of course the one that is married... my wife and I socialize with her AND her husband and occasionally her husband and I go fishing just the two of us. But it is really the friendship between her and I that keep our "foursome" going and she and I have lunch together almost every week, just the two of us.
The single gal pal of mine is the one I was romantically involved with once. She told my wife that marrying me would have been weird, as we were more like brother and sister... true, since, though we did/do love each other... there was never really much "sexual chemistry" ... something obviously apparent once we took the relationship to that level. She and my wife sometimes do "girl things" together, like shopping and lunch, and my wife is always trying to fix her up.
My relationship with my wife is obviously my most important one, and I put her needs above everything. On the other hand... IF she was so jealous and insecure that she was threatened by these other relationships, and gave me an ultimatum... It might change the way I think about her.
For one... I would wonder how much she really KNEW and understood me.
Second... I would feel like she was calling me a liar, and her lack of trust in me might undermine what I feel is a special bond that she and I have. I would feel that bond is a sham.
This "same sex" friendship thing among married people is something that is difficult for outsiders to judge. So much depends on the sincerity, and integrity, of the principle players... which one can never know... without knowing THEM, and knowing them well.
Of my male buddies... of which there are 3 good ones, 2 are incapable of having friendships with women as they have never learned how to relate to women in a way that is not sexual. If one claimed to have a platonic "friendship" with a woman not his wife... I would not believe it for a second.
These situations have to be viewed in context of who these people are, and who they have been in the past.
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